


The Smell of Wet Dog Can Actually Be Something So Personal

by Beam (ForestDivinity)



Series: Welcome to The Haunt House [1]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Supernatural Elements, Blood Kink, Implied kink, M/M, Pseudo-Incest, Vampire!Five, Vampires, Werewolf!Klaus, Werewolves
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-19
Updated: 2020-10-19
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:34:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,411
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27110533
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ForestDivinity/pseuds/Beam
Summary: Halloween is Five's least favourite time of the year. There are a few reasons. The rain for one is always a pain. By late October it seems to have settled in like an annoying household guest, one who doesn't know when they've overstayed their welcome. There are always puddles in the foyer and trails through the house - the house that always starts to smell uncomfortably like wet dog by the time the godforsaken festivities are in full swing.-Just a little supernatural AU right in time for Halloween. This is purely self indulgent! Title is a Queer Eye reference!
Relationships: Number Five | The Boy/Klaus Hargreeves, Poly-Greeves implied
Series: Welcome to The Haunt House [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1978843
Comments: 15
Kudos: 71





	The Smell of Wet Dog Can Actually Be Something So Personal

Halloween is Five's least favourite time of the year. There are a few reasons. The rain for one is always a pain. By late October it seems to have settled in like an annoying household guest, one who doesn't know when they've overstayed their welcome. There are always puddles in the foyer and trails through the house - the house that always starts to smell uncomfortably like wet dog by the time the godforsaken festivities are in full swing.

It is not a pleasant smell for a normal person and Five?

Five isn't a normal person. He's an apex predator, designed to track people through fields and city streets, designed to hunt for hours on end, designed to kill. Every inch of him is enhanced, from the curl of his nails to the point of his teeth. 

This, of course, includes his nose, which is sensitive on a good day and hellish on the bad.

So the scent of wet dog isn't one he particularly enjoys - even if it is coming from his brother slash lover slash _more_.

"Klaus, you better bathe before coming in here you mutt." He shouts from his bed - because vampire or not he's not lying in a coffin - and rolls his eyes at the muffled laugh he gets in return.

Werewolves, huh? Five still doesn't know how he fell in love with one - gross creatures that they are, and Klaus is the worst of them. Giving Five _feelings_.

Still, Klaus's constant moist stink isn't the worst thing about Halloween. It's the noise, the constant cooing and awwing he gets whenever he goes outside, the bright spill of orange and black that seems to paint every street. The way people look at him and ask him where he got his teeth as if he hasn't been a monster for the last-

Well, it's probably coming along four centuries now.

Not that he keeps track anymore.

* * *

Everyone looks at him and sees a child around Halloween, and it makes Five want to rip their throats out and spit just to see if they find him adorable when he's got blood spattered across his face and murder in his eyes. Unfortunately, experience has taught him that humanity is blessed with ignorance despite their obsession with the supernatural. They dress up and tell stories and are completely blind to what's right in front of them.

Idiots. Five doesn't understand their obsession with the holiday. There's nothing fun about being immortal. Nothing to be celebrated. 

Unfortunately, some of his family have different opinions on the stupid holiday—namely Klaus, who has an annoying (endearing) obsession. Not for the first time - not even the first time this October - Five contemplates killing him. 

"Yoohoo old-timer! How's my short stack today-" Klaus is still dripping when he launches himself at the bed and Five hisses, baring his teeth. It's a shame that Klaus is entirely desensitised to him at this point - or maybe just too stupid to avoid a threat - because he just laughs.

"Ooh, tetchy! Someone needs a nap!" The smell of wet dog gets thicker and Five mimes gagging as he jumps from the bed to the light fitting above it.

There are some benefits to being eternally, physically, thirteen. Benefits such as balancing on a chandelier that's almost a hundred years old and not causing it to crash to the ground immediately. 

"I need you to have a bath, you flea-ridden dog, or have you somehow forgotten I don't need to sleep." 

It's not entirely true. Five can go a long time without sleep, months at a time if he has to - in 1994 he'd stayed up all year just to prove that he could and won a hundred dollars from Diego who had stupidly bet against him - but eventually, he does have to rest.

It's something Klaus uses to torment him endlessly.

"Hmm, no! Definitely sounds like you need a nap. Come on down, and I can get you a bottle and a blankie." Klaus talks in a childish coo and Five dreams of breaking his jaw, the way he did in the wonderful year of 1863, just to make him shut up.

"One more word and I will rip out your carotid artery." He threatens instead, letting his voice drop as low as it physically can. 

A silent Klaus is boring, after all. Five prefers him luxuriating in his own debauched decadence, but he certainly won’t tell the wolf that. He has a feeling that Klaus already knows.

"Oh, I do love it when you talk dirty to me." The words are accompanied by a dramatic shiver and a fluttering of his eyelashes. This causes the dog stink to get worse. Five is sure he does it on purpose.

"You're disgusting." He rolls his eyes and Klaus rolls his own right back.

"You love it."

"I hate you more than I hate instant coffee and if you don't go shower, I'm going to make Diego vomit on your favourite socks... _the chewing ones_." It’s a good threat. Klaus, like the dog he is, is always chewing on everything. From the stair railing to his own fingers and especially socks.

Unworn ones, but still.

Five doesn’t pretend to understand it, the same way that Klaus doesn’t pretend to understand Five’s _thing_ for mannequins and dolls. Being immortal causes you to develop some weird quirks. So, Five might not get Klaus’s need to gnaw on everything he can get his mouth on, but he will always exploit the habit for his own gain.

"Oh, you wouldn't dare-! You can't even drink coffee!"

"I enjoy the smell of good coffee." The _'try me'_ remains unspoken but clearly stated.

Five stares at Klaus from his place on the chandelier. They're both old, have seen empires rise and fall. Fought and fucked each other from one continent to the next until they landed in America and found a bigger, better family. There is an understanding between them, a bond that humanity can never attempt to understand.

Which is why Five isn’t unsurprised when Klaus cracks first, sticking his tongue out in a loud raspberry. He's once again reminded that age doesn't equal maturity.

* * *

"I'm going to report you for this. This is discrimination." Klaus throws his hands out, blows his cheeks out too in an exaggerated, offended look. Five can almost see his fur raising in annoyance.

"Bath. Now. Don't test me, _puppy_." Five takes a moment to swing on the chandelier until he's hanging, upside down from it. 

Klaus twitches. If he had a tail, Five could imagine it flicking from side to side. Instead, his ears go a familiar shade of pink and Five smirks, confident that he's won their game when Klaus leans in to kiss him.

Except-

Klaus doesn't kiss him; instead, he takes his tongue and licks a broad stripe up Five's cheek, temple, forehead. It is wet and sticky and Klaus bolts as soon as it's done - the last time he'd moved so fast was 2014 when someone tried to steal Diego's skin out from under their noses. 

He's not as fast as a vampire, but Five is frozen on the spot for a minute which is a minute longer than he should be, really. This is more than long enough for Klaus to make his escape. By the time his brain has rebooted like the computer Allison keeps in the basement, all he can do is blink at the open door, rage and fond amusement warring inside of him.

"Brat." Five mutters and rolls his eyes before wiping his face and snorting. Halloween is his least favourite time of year, and he's definitely going to destroy at least three (maybe four?) of Klaus's pumpkins for that stunt, but the hysterical laughter from the bathroom is enough to get him forgetting about the smell of wet dog.

The thought of tanning Klaus's ass helps too. He's not a child, and the people important to him know that. They know the danger inherent in every inch of his too-small body and respect him because of it.

* * *

Five brushes his tongue along his fangs and smirks. Halloween sucks every year, but that doesn't mean he can't have some fun with it. He smirks at his own thoughts, little ideas of how to get Klaus back for his stunt. Thinks of draining him, the taste of iron on his tongue and shivers in excitement.

But first, coffee.

The rest can come later.

**Author's Note:**

> Please comment and Kudos if you like!! You can follow me on [@ashayathyla2](https://ashayathyla2.tumblr.com/) for more content!
> 
> I blame the [Elliot's House discord](https://discord.gg/dGg2Tb) for this!


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